Preparing for the First Overnight Visit: Navigating New Territory
A few nights ago, during a Parent Group, a mother shared that she is preparing for her first overnight visit with her son since he entered rehab and extended care. It’s a significant milestone—one filled with hope, excitement, and often, a good deal of stress.
As we shared experiences, I couldn’t help but reflect on my own first visit. I remember the anticipation and my overwhelming desire to make it perfect. In hindsight, those early visits were stressful, and there are so many things I wish I’d done differently.
Many of us in the group talked about the lessons we’ve learned from these visits—what works, what doesn’t, and how we’ve found ways to reconnect without the pressure of perfection. Here are some of those insights, which I hope will help others navigate this process.
Set Clear Expectations
Unshared expectations often lead to resentment, so it’s crucial to establish the purpose and parameters of the visit ahead of time. Ideally, this is done in consultation with a therapist or counselor, but even if that’s not possible, you can still create a framework.
What’s the goal? For most, it’s rebuilding trust, strengthening relationships, and working through the challenges of living together again. Talk openly about expectations—yours and theirs. For instance:
Behavior: Meet your loved one where they are. If cursing or other habits picked up during their time away develop, choose your battles carefully.
Smoking or Vaping: If your loved one has developed this habit, prohibiting him may produce nicotine withdrawal, crankiness, and edginess. Consider whether this is the right time to address the issue. Setting small parameters, such as designated breaks and locations, can help everyone navigate the situation calmly.
Accommodations Matter
If the visit isn’t at home, renting an Airbnb is often better than staying in a hotel. It provides a more home-like environment with space for everyone to have some privacy.
When booking, send a note to the host requesting the removal of any alcohol from the property. Well-meaning hosts might leave wine or beer as a welcome gesture. Upon arrival, do a quick sweep of the fridge and cabinets to ensure there’s nothing triggering left behind. If the visit is at home, take steps to remove potential triggers:
Secure medications and eliminate alcohol from the house.
Remove items like hand sanitizer or vanilla extract that could be misused.
Keep keys and valuables in a secure spot for added peace of mind.
Plan Activities Wisely
Focus on simple, local activities that allow for downtime. Extended outings or once-in-a-lifetime events can be overwhelming and may not help foster connection. Instead:
Schedule breaks where your loved one can have some downtime.
Understand that some alone time is okay.
Be clear about when they need to engage and when it’s their personal time.
Use specific timeframes: “Take a break for an hour, then we’ll go out to dinner together.”
Boundaries Around Responsibilities
Work with the extended care staff to establish expectations for meeting attendance, drug testing, or other commitments during the visit. However, you don’t need to play enforcer.For example, if they’re required to attend one meeting during a three-day trip, you can remind them and help with logistics, but it’s not your responsibility to ensure they go. That’s a boundary between your loved one and the staff at the extended care residence.
Keep It Low-Key
This is not the time for grand gestures or reunions. Avoid large family gatherings or reconnecting with many friends. Instead, keep the visit intimate. If they’d like to see a trusted friend, invite them to your home. Broader socializing can wait.
Lean on Your Support System
There will be stressful moments, and that’s okay. Have someone you trust on speed dial—a friend who’s been through it or even a staff member from the extended care residence. A quick call or text can provide clarity and calm when emotions run high.
A Time to Reconnect
These early visits aren’t about fixing everything—they’re about reestablishing connection, creating a safe environment, and beginning to rebuild a life together. Approach them with cautious optimism, and remember, you’re not alone.
If you’re preparing for a visit like this, I hope these insights help you navigate the journey with a little more ease and confidence. And if you’re ever in doubt, remember that others in the recovery community are just a call away, ready to support you.
